Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne

Lux Alptraum of Boinkology wrote this post this morning:

I got my first vibrator when I was seventeen. It was pink, glittery, and penis shaped — and really, nothing to write home about. But it was still my first vibrator. I bought it at Babeland, took it home… and thus began my love affair with marital aids.

On some level, seventeen seems a little old to be discovering the joys of enhanced self love — but actually, it was technically too young. In my home state of New York, eighteen is the minimum age for sex toy purchases — and in other places, it goes as high as twenty-one.

Given our country’s stand on teen pregnancy (we hate it) and teen sex (not too fond of that one, either), it boggles my mind that we’re similarly opposed to teen masturbation. After all, teenagers are walking balls of hormones, full of vim, vigor, and sexual energy (mostly the latter): if we don’t want them to have sex, surely masturbation is an excellent way for them to deal with all those unwholesome urges.

But there’s more to it than that. For young people — and especially for young women — masturbation is an excellent way to learn about one’s body and sexual response, a way to discover what you like (and what gets you off) before you explore with a partner. Throw in a dildo or vibrator, and well — let’s just say it’s advanced exploration.

So given all of that, I’m tempted to say that girls should be given vibrators as soon as they hit high school age — or maybe even before (puberty rite of passage, anyone?). After all, what better way to celebrate emerging womanhood than with a big heaping helping of self love?

Of course, it’s not quite that simple: there’s that pesky little matter of state law, which complicates things a bit. But why are we so opposed to teens having vibes and dildos — and really, is it so bad for teens to know some electronic love? When would you recommend that a person get their first sex toy? Hey, inquiring minds want to know.

And here’s how I responded:

The problem, Lux, is that our society does not just dislike teenagers having sex because it may produce babies or spread disease - they dislike teenagers, particularly girls, having sex because it acknowledges the the teenager as a sexual being. And follow that train of thought to this point: Teenage girls masturbating acknowledges them as sexual beings too. Maybe even more than just sex - because that might have been at the prompting of a boy. Masturbation is purely about the young woman’s own sexual desires, which we’re scared shirtless about.

As to when a young woman should receive her first vibrator? Well, the problem with going too young is that it might just scare her off masturbation entirely. In general, I would probably suggest when she turns sixteen.

However, with the caveat that some girls will put them to good use younger. Girls who are particularly vocal or active about their sexuality could probably use one much younger.

And all this led me to another thing I’ve been pondering for some time now: Should teenage boys be given a masturbation sleeve, much like teenage girls should be given a vibrator?  I’m not very familiar with masturbation sleeves, nor have I ever had a conversation with someone who is.  I’d love to be enlightened about them - please pass on anything you know!

This is a conversation that was recently repeated to me by a father that he had with his 7-year-old daughter:

Daughter: “Daddy, why do you and Mommy talk about sex so often?  That’s all you ever do is talk, talk, talk about sex!”

Father: “Uhhh…When do you hear us talking about sex?”

Daughter: “All the time!  That’s all you ever do, is talk, talk, talk about sex!  Especially when me and [younger sister] aren’t around!  Talk, talk, talk!”

Father: “Hmm!”

Daughter: “Yep, you and Mommy just sit on the couch with your computers or your cell phones or your iPods and you talk about Sex in the City!  That’s all you ever do!”

Aha!  The father was able to stay mostly silent, keeping his daughter talking until he really understood what she was asking.  He didn’t blunder into an answer that was far over his daughter’s head, accidentally creating the very situation he was afraid had already been created.  By maintaining his calm, and continuing to listen, he was able to answer his young daughter’s question correctly:

Father: “Sex and the City is a TV show that your mommy and her friends like.”

Daughter: “Oh! Okay!”

Freak-out diverted, question answered, big sighs of relief all around!

I recently told a friend that I would be teaching human sexuality at Austin Community College this fall. She replied by asking me, “What do you teach in that class? What is human sexuality?”

I was a little bit surprised at her question. It was past my bedtime, so I stumbled through an answer about the range of topics that it included: information about gender, the range of expressions that human sexuality takes, biology and physiology and embryology, STDs and safe sex methods, sexual pleasure, sexual coersion, relationships and how to navigate them, and so much more.

My friend was surprised, and said, “Doesn’t everyone already know about all those things?”

“Well, no!”

Now, my friend is highly self-taught in many areas. She is also very dedicated to living naturally and supporting her body naturally. Given this predilictions, she is probably more highly educated in human sexuality than many American adults. Nevertheless, I suspect that if my friend were to take my class, she would find that there is a depth to this information that she did not already know.

Another friend, a teenager, recently boasted to me that he had no need of such a class - he already knew everything he needed to know about sex and sexuality from the Internet and from his friends.  I started asking him specific questions about women’s physiology and sexuality, STDs, and homosexuality.  From the absolute lack of substance and high degree of humor in his responses, I am left with the impression that he didn’t have any what he was talking about.

While everyone is a sexual being, and so knows a degree about human sexuality, unless someone has made a study of human sexuality (whether formally or informally), they are often missing critical pieces of information that they don’t even know they are missing.  While there are extensive restrictions on what kinds of sexuality education public high schools can offer (particularly here in Texas), colleges and universities often have the freedom to offer high quality courses in Human Sexuality.

I cannot recommend that a high school student join college students for a Human Sexuality class, so a community college sexuality class cannot stand-in for high quality sexuality education in public high schools.  However, I highly recommend that high school graduates register for Human Sexuality their first year out of high school - particularly if their high school did not offer comprehensive sexuality education.  Because this is what I really teach in all of my sexuality education classes:

I teach basic information about people’s bodies, and how people’s bodies relate to each other sexually.  But more importantly, I ask the students to go beyond this basic level of information and to think deeply about the morals and ethics behind sexual and sexuality topics and activities.  Then I guide the students as they begin to form their own beliefs, standards, and boundaries about all of these topics.  When done right, this class has the potential to dramatically affect every student’s sexuality choices to be physically and emotionally healthier and safer.

I hope that any college or university Human Sexuality class would do the same.

In addition to my book reading, I try to keep up with the parts of the Internet that include sex bloggers and parenting bloggers and news bloggers and…well, anything else that catches my interest.  More often than not, I scan the first few lines and skip the rest.  Yesterday, however, was quite the amazing day when it comes to good blogging and web content about sex, sex education, and sexuality in general.  So, in order to share the love a bit, here’s a round-up of the best I read from yesterday:

Teen girls having less sex, turning away from older partners: study. Well, for an article with a cumbersome title, this one turns out great.  It’s from Wednesday’s National Post (that’s the Canadian National Post, folks).  Here’s the first sentence: “A new study says teenage girls are having less sex, which experts attribute to a shift away from older boyfriends as well as society’s growing acceptance of adolescent sexuality.”  And then, further on, comes this one: ” ‘Over the last 20 years, Canadian society has gradually become more relaxed and accepting of adolescent sexuality and that has translated into a greater knowledge in young people, and most importantly, a greater comfort in seeking out information and services, like having a conversation with a doctor. That knowledge has empowered them to make conscious decisions about their own behaviour,’ said Mr. McKay, adding that knowledge often leads to abstinence.”  With the exception of the wonky spelling of “behavior,” this article is spot-on.  Now if only the US would only follow Canada’s successes!

Top 50 Sexpert Blogs. When I’m listed as number 7, how could I not include this one?

The Post Modern Geek’s Guide to Sex’s discussion on Texas Sexuality Education Law and Policy. Yes, you’re going to have to admit that you’re over 18 to get to read this one.  But I promise, this post content and the blog surrounding it are completely safe for work.  And well worth the read, particularly if you (like me) are in Texas or some of the other backward states of the Union that are completely ignoring the previously-referenced leaps and bounds that Canada is making in the direction we stammer fruitlessly about wanting to go in.

A great sex blog, Pretty Dumb Things, has come to an end.  Debauchette praised this blog so highly that I had to go read through the archives.  And I agree, it’s fabulous.  I’m looking forward to reading back through the archives!  And no, neither of these blogs or any of the posts in them are not safe for work.  In any way, shape, or form.  Read them at home.

And in the July/August edition of Psychology Today, of all places, comes an article about unusual sexuality: Typically Twisted. The description of the article is this: “Taboo impulses can be titillating… but more often they’re a source of concern for those who harbor secret wishes or unusual desires.  If you prefer gallows humor to slapstick or kinky to vanilla, take heart: Dark inclinations have their own logic and benefits.”  While most of this article is just about unusual anything, not specific to sexuality, it’s still a good read.  And certainly worthwhile for any parent concerned that their teenager is “not normal” in some way or another.

Dan Savage’s column this week includes some good stuff on how parents can and should talk with their own children and other people’s children about sex.  Dan’s always pretty harsh, often overly harsh, so gird your loins and all that if you decide to pop over to his sex column.  But it will be well worth the girding, I promise.  Oh, and ignore the title of the column.  That’s referring to the second question, and the first is the one about parenting and sex education that I’m recommending.

And, last but not least, and rather off-topic for this blog, is a post on Bitch Ph.D. titled How I Got To Be An Atheist.  It’s something of a riveting story.  I’ll reach and say I’m including it because of the part about how the author’s slow experiments into adolescent sexuality really became the turning point of her religious path.

Happy reading and happy weekend!  I’ll see everyone same time, same place on Monday.

Yesterday was a busy day for me and mine.

My eldest is getting ready to head off for first grade, and I decided to honor the occasion old-school (please pardon the pun…it’s early yet!) by making her a dress.  It is rainbow-hued in a way that only a 7-year-old girl could really enjoy.

On less personal notes, however, I am deeply submerged in preparing a new class - Human Sexuality, which I am so excited to be teaching this fall at Austin Community College.  ACC just recently got it’s act fully together and officially assigned me the class, so I am far behind my normally obsessively ahead of schedule self.  Nevertheless, it is truly delightful to be looking at this content from yet another angle and to begin preparing to work with community college students.

College students are clearly different from younger teenagers in how they understand and interpret information about sexuality.  I am also looking forward to having a range of students in my class - potentially everyone from actual high school students to older adults returning to college.  I hope to make good use of this spread of knowledge, experience, and understanding to enrich everyone’s experience of the class.

In other news, I just received my review copy of So Sexy So Soon: The new sexualized childhood and what parents can do to protect their kids by Diane E. Levin, Ph.D. and Jean Kilbourne, Ed.D.  And I’m loving it.  I’ll do a more thorough review after I have (ahem…) read the whole thing, but for now I feel completely comfortable saying that you should read it too.

Here is the section out of the introduction that had me hooked:

We want to make you a promise.  It’s not fair that your job is made so much harder than it needs to be by the sexualized media and commercial culture.  Society should suport you in your effortss rather than set up road blocks at every turn.  If society supported parents in their job, we wouldn’t need to write this book.  Too often you, the parents, are told that the problem of sexualized childhood is your fault: If you were doing your job right and could just learn to say  no, then there wouldn’t be a problem.  Casting blame on parents is a smoke screen that diverts attention from where the blame rightfully belongs–squarely on the shoulders of the purveyors of these media and marketing messages, those who exploit our children’s developmental vulnerabilities by using sex to make huge profits.

We promise to keep the blame squarely where it belongs.

Not only is So Sexy So Soon a real page-turner and easy to read, but it offers real suggestions on how parents and other adults can talk with children about bodies and sex in response to the over-sexualization of children in our society.  It’s really just a must for anyone with children or who ever comes into contact with children.

Now I’m off to another day reading about the sexualization of 7-year-olds while I prepare my own little one for her first foray into grade school.  I start out each day centering myself as a parent, working to support her and her classmates through these troublesome times for young ones.

What will you be doing with children or teenagers today?  And how can you support their healthy development in our obsessively over-sexualized culture?

I recently finished reading The Other Boleyn Girl by Philippa Gregory for the first time. (I know, I know, color me behind on the latest novels. Blame it on grad school, children, and running my own business and move on please.) Now, I’ve read up on some of the controversy on whether Mary Boleyn was actually closer to 12 or 22 when she entered the English Court, which makes a fairly substantial difference in how one can understand and interpret her behavior and motives once she was there. Similarly, we can’t make sweeping assumptions of motivation and intent behind most of the historical actions which Gregory discussed. Regardless, Gregory decided to portray Mary as younger rather than older and ascribed clear motivations to every historical act, as well as many other interpersonal interactions, and so we’re going to run with those assumptions for the purpose of this conversation.

So what can I even say about a 12-year-old being married and then turned into the mistress of a king for the political advancement of her family? Shall I say she was a girl of her time? That we cannot or should not make judgments about social tendencies of a culture so far removed from our own? Honestly, both of those perspectives are a load of crap.

No, we can’t apply all of today’s standards to a society from 450 years ago. That much is clear. For example, in the present society, to live in a house without running water would be the ultimate sign of poverty, while having a servant - or multiple servants! - is quite the sign of the wealthy. However, running water was all but completely inaccessible while servants were plentiful 450 years ago.

But how we treat individuals, particularly those who are less politically powerful and influential is a key indicator of a society. Children have always been less powerful than adults, and women have often been less powerful than men. Using that “power over” to increase one’s own sense of political advancement or moral superiority or whatever is wrong regardless of what time period you hail from

How we parents commodify and benefit from our children’s sexuality and relationships is somewhat more oblique now than it was in the Boleyns’ days. I can’t image how I would gain substantial political power or direct wealth regardless of how “well” my children marry (or who they sleep with!). Nevertheless, there is still a certain prestige or a slight shadow that parents feel is cast on them when their children make “good” relationship choices or “bad” relationship choices. Because while a direct benefit rarely comes our way from those relationships, we still feel our parenting choices and ability are intricately tied up in our children’s relationships. Here are questions I get asked all the time that exemplify these parental feelings:

• “Where did I go wrong?” (when wondering about a teenager’s choice to date an outlier)
• “What should I have done differently?” (when wondering about a teenager’s accidental pregnancy)
• “I just pray his grandparents never find out!” (when talking about a teenager dating someone of a different race)

We still, in many small ways, have our own personal feelings of adequacy invested in who and how our children date, even if we don’t have our personal political and bank accounts tied up anymore.

And this is what I have to say about this: Cut it out! Your personal value, either ephemeric or actual, is not directly related to your children’s romantic, marital, or sexual relationships. It might have been true 450 years ago, but it’s not any more.

The substantial reason to stop tying any of your personal sense of self to who your children date is because as long as you are tied to that, you will try to manipulate the situation so that the will date someone who will boost your sense of self rather than diminish it. And while that subtle manipulation is, of course, substantially different from the blatant direction that Mary Boleyn’s uncle might have given her about how and when to bed the king, the actions are steeped in the same motivation - you, the parent, rather than your teenager.

Seeing and acknowledging this motivation within yourself can be difficult. How can you be sure that you’re making a judgment based on your own subtle needs versus your teenager’s best interests? It is so easy to push the first off onto the second. But nevertheless, you must try. It is well worth the introspection that approaching this topic thoughtfully will afford you.

P.S. The Other Boleyn girl was a fun book, and a quick and easy read. Perfect light reading for a vacation at the beach!

I just got back from the beach yesterday. It was a lovely, if short, jaunt to the Texas coast with my kids, my husband, and my mother. We had a delightful time building sand castles, digging moats and canals, rolling around in the waves, and searching for shells. In short, it was a perfect way to spend the weekend-before-the-weekend-before school starts.

We stayed at a condo where I stayed almost every year as an older child and teenager. I’ve also been there several times since. My husband asked me how often I had been to this particular condo, and I guessed maybe 15 or 20 times. He was surprised, and seemed to take the information with some gravity. My mother piped up, and we talked about how often we had visited and who had come with us and that one time we came over Easter and the seagulls had followed us around, hoping for breadcrumbs.

The thing is, for as far back as I can remember, I have gone to the ocean at least once a year. It’s important to me, on a deep emotional level. About a month ago, my husband said to me, “Wow, I think this is the longest you’ve gone without going to the beach since I’ve known you.” And it was true. I had resigned myself to a summer without the beach, until it became clear to me and everyone else forced to share my company for very long, that a trip was simply necessary. I am now able to return to my daily activities much refreshed and focused for another year.

However, for many years, it was my mother who supported my very important, yearly beach voyages. I am so grateful that now that I’m an adult, and I have the freedom and wherewithall to take myself to the beach every year. Now that I am an adult, I have the fiscal and practical ability to attend to my own emotional needs in a way that I simply did not as a child or a teenager.

Attending to their own personal renewal needs is a freedom that children and teenagers often don’t have. I was blessed to have a mother who valued me renewing myself emotionally, and made sure my needs were met in this way. My mother put her time and money to taking me to the beach every year because it was something I needed, and I am very grateful to her.

How can you help your teenager in this way? What activities or surroundings or people help renew your teenager’s emotional health? How can you support your teenager take part in those activities, surroundings, or people?

Condoms

Yep, this is why you should make sure your sons and daughters have their own condoms. You get more sleep that way.

Condoms

Yep, this is why you should make sure your sons and daughters have their own condoms. You get more sleep that way.

ABBA

Ah, the ultimate in teen-soft-pop. This original ABBA music video for “Take A Chance On Me” had me cracking up this morning, and I had to share it.

It was made back when soft edges and massive blue eye shadow were still cool and they didn’t really know how to move a video camera and still keep it from jiggling.

(I’m sorry! I can’t help it! I saw Mamma Mia this week, and have been obsessively googling ABBA music ever since…)